Refinding my smile

For the last few years I haven't smiled like I use to, and my happiness isn't what it use to be...when I really come to think of it, it's more than a few years since I've been truly happy.


This journey I am doing is not just to have a newer and better life, it is to find that smile I once had...the one people use to compliment me on. That just because smile...


Before I went to work this morning, I tried to apply for some jobs in Cali, and every time I type up my cover letter and get ready to submit it, the computer will have one of those "Internet Explorer is not working" message pop up and wipe the whole thing out...just piss me off (even after I would copy what I wrote just in case it happened again), submission after submission nothing...I finally had to give up because I was going to be late for work.

So I got in my car, and I started to talk to God (as I often do in the car) asking him if he just didn't want me to have that job or is it the move to Cali that I shouldn't do...and out of no where I began to sing "Just the Beginning" by Kurt Carr...sing the lyrics (and singing them wrong I might add) inspired me to put on my Pandora to my Kurt Carr station and you would NEVER guess what the first song that played..............JUST THE BEGINNING!!!! I couldn't do anything but thank God for his conformation in what I was doing. Just when I felt like I was making a mistake and being stupid, he reassured me....and that has definitely put a smile on my face


You see...I use to try to find my happiness in material things and in other people...but lately I've come to realize it's my relationship with God that will bring that smile back. Once I work on that relationship, everything else will fall in place and I know what God's blessing is like...I've felt it before, I've held it, experience it, appreciated it, and even destroyed it...and the funny thing about all of this is, despite my faults, he still loves me and blesses me. And that is enough to put a smile on anyone's face...

So there it is folks, I am on a journey to make my heart smile again...to truly glow...Reading this book (Repacking your Bags: How to Live with a New Sense of Purpose) is really helping and really allowing God to take over will do that and more

Until then
Kisses xoxo

Does All This Make You Happy???

Last night, while eating dinner and writing my latest blog, I came across a book on my sister's bookshelf that really caught my eye. It wasn't one of those love novels or sex chronicles, it was more of an inspirational book if you must say. But what really caught my attention was the title of the book Repacking your Bags...I find this a very interesting title because I've always felt like I lived out of a suitcase, no matter where I went in life...as far as I could remember, I've never unpacked.

When I moved from home and went to college I lived in my suitcase, when I got married I was still living in a suitcase, and right as we speak I am still living in a suitcase. It's not that I don't have drawers to put my things in, but I've never felt the need to unpack, it's almost like I feel like I'm never settled.....So I picked the book up and decided to read it when I got chance to. Now when I was laying in bed last night, I began to ponder upon the pursuit of happiness, the holidays, having love and being loved...and I began to ask God to put someone in my life so I can feel love or be love, and when I started to ask that...I stopped myself in my tracks for a few reasons:

1. I am still technically married (legally)
2. God would never help me commit adultery

During that thought process, it was like God stopped me in my tracks and responded by saying (or put these thoughts in my head): (I'm paraphrasing) " Before you ask God to bring someone into your life so you can experience that happiness, ask him to help you gain happiness within yourself. If He was to bring someone into your life now, they would be temporary. Why would you want lots of Mr. Wrongs while you are trying to prepare yourself for Mr. Right??? All that is going to do is keep setting you back and prolong your blessing.

When that thought played in my head I had to jump up and grab my phone and write it down. How much truer could that statement have been. Why would I even think about asking God to put someone in my life right now, just for the thought of what happiness should be. Because in my head, the holidays are times you would spend with that special someone being happy and cuddling and I miss that ( there is nothing wrong missing those things) but "Does all this make you happy" No, because I am not happy within myself and I shouldn't count on another person to bring me that happiness. Happiness should come from within, not another individual....Which brings me back to the book:

Repacking your Bags: How to Live with a New Sense of Purpose

WOOOOOOWWWW what a powerful title and within the first couple of pages, I feel like it was created to speak to me. I could relate and I felt like I had some kind of insight on this crazy, scary journey I am about to take.

So for all of those who are not happy where they are in life, who are not happy with who they are, who wants more out of life than what they have...ask yourself this simple question:
"Does All This Make You Happy?"

And if it doesn't, pick up this book and start reading it, because it uses the metaphor of traveling and baggage to really demonstrate the load we carry around that we don't need to. I know I am only a chapter in this book, but it as blown me away within the first couple of pages and I know it will do the same to you.

Until then
Kisses xoxo

2 Years and 10 Days

So it has definitely been awhile since I've last posted....

**UPDATES**UPDATES**UPDATES**
-Within the last two years I have graduated college with a BA in Communication Studies (Whoot Whoot)
-Diesel and Rose are divorce (ohhhh soooo much to tell on that one)
-And I am divorcing (YAYYYYYYYYYYY)


So much has happened between the two years that I have last posted I really don't know where to begin. I am definitely in a better place in my life sort of speak. My life as been a roller coaster ride since I began blogging and I have finally decided that I want more for myself. So I graduated college Dec of 2010 and I moved back to my hometown, which started my exploration of what I really want out of life. So I guess I should start with the updates I've listed above:

•       So like I said I graduated college with a BA in Comm Studies, however, the economy is so horrible, I still have not been able to put my degree to good use (I still have a job though, just not a career)

•       After the cheating incident with Rose, her and Diesel went through a whole lot of breaking up and getting back together, and a lot of military BS about adultery, and alimony. Pretty much she tried to say he was abusive and that he is the reason she didn't graduate high school and he needed to pay for her to stay home because she can't get any jobs. They did a full investigation on him and her, questioning everyone about the accusations and also the cheating and if it was really cheating yadda yadda yadda...needless to say it was a long ol' drawn out divorce where a lot of names where called and they are finally done with...HOWEVERRRR, he is in a no better relationship than he started out...after Rose cheated and he finally left her, he went through a binging stage where dated and slept with random girls just to say he did it. Then he finally met the stripper of the his dreams, still married with a 6 month old son (at the time) and they fell in love and lived happily ever after NOOOTTTTT!!! Omg...they are a match made in heaven let me tell you, they both are ignorant to life, and have no ambition whatsoever. She is looking for someone to take care of her and her son, and he is looking for someone to need him. There we have it folks perfect relationship!!! (there is more to this story but it's not worth getting into) Needless to say Diesel and I's relationship is not the same anymore, I pretty much despise him, he has turned out to be a true asshole, and wishing Guns was anything like him was definitely a mistake. He is just as big of an asshole, no disregard to anyone's thoughts, feelings, and concerns. (Yes my relationship with him changed drastically) He puts his brother down any chance he gets, and the sad part about it is that Guns feels like he always have something to prove to Diesel, as if they are not equals. And I don't like that one bit, despite how our (Guns and I) marriage turn out to be.

•      So yes, the final update, Guns and I are divorcing. We pretty much came to this conclusion before we left our military town but it wasn't final until we moved back to our hometown. Before the divorce decision, was the separation. It wasn't legal, it kinda happened when I found out about a phone conversation he had with a female that we went to high school together, a conversation a married man should never have with anyone but his wife. That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back. We continued to live together but nothing was the same, we would sleep in separate rooms, we tried to make it work a few times, but he decided he want to be 23 (that was his age at the time) and live a single life and do what normal 23 yr old's do, and if he didn't get anything out of it he will come back to me (you got to be @#!$!!! kidding me) Please take a gander on what I did???? I deuced out!!! I mean come on...do you really think I was gonna sit around and wait to see if you want to be married. After everything was said and done he realize that he didn't want the single life...but it was too little too late. (Let me back track a little, before this story starts going all over the place) When we first moved back home, he moved in with his parents and I moved in with mine. When you come to the end of your term in the military, they always do a career service program, where you start career planning...do you think my genius of a husband took that serious NOOOOOOOOOOO...he wanted to do private contracting and he knew people who wanted to do the same thing and spoke to some folks and he have that all lined up blah blah blah blah blaahhh...He moved back and did get a gig with the oil spill clean up doing security, but the private contracting job wasn't as legit as he thought, he wasn't getting paid the 20,000 dollars a month that he thought we would go straight into...the lifestyle that he convinced himself about and tried to convince me, was no where close to that. During that time he wanted to be single, but him being single meant him having fun and partying and drinking and sleeping around with girls, it didn't mean for me to go out with friends and have a good time. That didn't sit well with him, because it's not fair for me to have the party life and he has to be a security guard for the clean up...so now he wants me back. He wants things to work, he doesn't want to be by himself...at this point I had so much resentment towards him, it didn't matter what he wanted...I was loving my independence. I gave him so much of me, I forgot what that was so I was not quick to give back. Needless to say, he came home and begged and begged and I finally gave in, but I told him how I truly felt about him and I don't love him as I did anymore and it will take awhile for that to come back. So he tried everything he could, but nothing worked. Once the passion and emotion is gone out of a relationship, there is no reason to work through it because it's done with. I tried my best to love him again, but I couldn't. I really sat down an thought about my life...I realize this is no way a man and wife is suppose to live...he wanted me to come move in his parents place with him....so pretty much for me to come live with him and his parents WTF...no no no no no no no...why would I do that. One, he doesn't have a job, two I HATE his parents, three REALLY??? Live with your judgmental mother who still hasn't figured out how to cut the umbilical cord from 24 yrs ago...What kind a life is that, shouldn't a man want to provide for his wife and himself...shouldn't he want more out of life than that...apparently not this one, all he wanted to do is sit back and collect unemployment and figure out away to get disability for the rest of his life and be paid to go to school. <------That right there is what really made me reassess my life. This is not what I signed up for, this is not what I expected for my life...a college graduated, a well educated young woman who has a lot to offer...to say all I did in life is work a dead end job and lived with a husband who was too lazy to work and wanted to collect unemployment and the only reason why he went to school was to get money from the GI bill. So I made the decision on finally divorcing, I wasn't going anywhere in life if I was still with him. He was like a tumor growing in my life and I needed to cut him out before I had nothing left. Before I was married, I had wanted so much out of life and I would jump at anything that came my way, once I got married that changed, I did what was neccessary for my marriage, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that IF you guys worked as a team and there is a greater outcome, but if you're the only one that is putting in useless work, then no...time for a change. And that is exactly what I did. 

Now we are in my present day of life, Guns and I are still on good terms, we speak to each other, occasionally have a good laugh or two. However, we both realize that this decision is the best one, and I just pray that he one day wakes up and wants more out of life. Now I'm doing me, loving life, can't wait to see what's next for me. I have taken the first step to really living my dream...soon I will be making more life changing events, like making a big move all by myself to the other side of the country to explore my passion. I have no idea what is in store for me and it scares me, but that is exactly why I am doing it. I want to know that I actually gave it a shot.




So thank you to everyone who wished us well...thank you to everyone who tuned in. Stick around I know it's been awhile since I've done this, but I have a feeling that blogging is going to help me get through this life changing move and if one of my favorite ppls in the whole world would do the move with me because he needs it (love ya risa)

Until then


Kisses xoxo

I'm baaaaaaccckkkk!!!!

Hello Ladies and Gents. It is so good to be back. I am finally done with my spring finals and I can finally breathe....well not so much, but at least that burden is off my shoulders. The only thing I

have to is worry about my husband coming back safely from Iraq.............................

Speaking of, we are doing sooo much better. He is working and trying his hardest to keep our marriage together. He's been doing everything he can and I have been letting him know that I notice and appreciate it.

• Ladies and gents, when you are going through hard times please let the other party in the relationship, who knows they did something wrong and is trying to fix it, know that you appreciate what they are doing. You have to let them know that you recognize their hard work. I know sometimes it is hard to do because you don't want to show some many emotions early because you don't want that person to think what they did was ok, but it is good to let them know you appreciate it nevertheless. If you don't, they will stop trying and go back to what they were doing or just give up completely.

Now, Guns has been so sweet to me, he's sent me my favorite flowers/plant (above right) and he's even sent me to the spa. Please don't get me wrong, these material things aren't making our marriage work but the fact that he put thought and effort into everything that he as done is what I care about. He sent my a letter the other day from Iraq and he had a poem written in it....he's never NEVER done anything like that before. He told me it took him hours to put everything into the poem to let me know how he feels about me. Call me gullible if you want, but things like that is what gets me. The things money cannot buy, the things that takes thought and time (PERSONAL TIME) is watch shows me that I'm worth everything to him.

So I love Guns for doing what he is doing, this still doesn't taking him off the hook of going to counseling or anything else that was presented to help make the relationship work. But it does help me with trying to trust him again. But we are working on and we are doing our best to keep this marriage going because we love each other and we know that we are going to make it through all of this.

Until then,

Kisses xoxo

Just Commenting...

I want to apologize to all my followers for not posting anything in awhile. This month is crazy for me....Lots and lots of finals and essays to write. I have a crazy schedule added to trying to move. I do have plenty of updates for you guys and I promise I will do so when I can breathe again...Lol. So for now, I am saying sorry....please check back in May because that's when I will be complete down with school until Fall.


Then I will we all yours.....


Until then
Kisses xoxo

Spitting Fire

This is one of those "Gurl let me tell you" or "Ooooo Let me tell you" thing. So last blog I told you guys about Rose and Diesel...UPDATE ALERT, UPDATE ALERT!!!!

THIS BIATCH BEEN CHEATIN'<--------Well aint that a BEACH, This whole time I have been taking her side, having her back she has been cheating on Diesel. A mutual friend of Rose and me called me earlier today and dropped the load on me. She told me the whole time Rose said she went back home, she was at Ol' dude's house kicking it up. I have to tell yall, I knew some shhhh--stuff like this was gonna happen. I knew she was being shady and the things the mutual friend told me made Rose's behavior all add up.

• She comes to my place a few days early for Diesel's homecoming but only spend one of those nights at my place and went to the so call "hotel" she paid for.

*In reality she went to Ol' dude's homecoming!!! (Yes people, this dude is in the same unit as her husband and he came home a few days before Diesel)...and she stayed there until Diesel's homecoming.

• She gets into argument with Diesel about his accusations and storms off and "drives back to our home town"

*In reality she went to Ol' dude's house instead and pretended to be 12 hours away.

OH BY THE WAY: HER MOTHER KNEW ALL ABOUT IT AND COVERED FOR HER

• She "comes back up here" and said that she forgave Diesel for the fight after he got her favorite flowers. They go out of state for a friend's wedding and got into an argument there. They get back home, he buys her a ticket to go home. She said that she was going to spend a night at a female friend's house and that "female" would take her to the airport with Rose's car (which Diesel bought) in the morning

*I'm pretty sure you guessed this by now: IN REALITY she went to Ol' dude's house and wasted $240 that Diesel spent on a ticket. Her mom said she came home so we believed her. She told Diesel that her "female" friend borrowed the car for a trip but wouldn't give him the number to contact her for his car.

• Diesel calls her and apologizes and says all he wants is for his wife to be with him and he promised he won't accuse her of anything again and asked her if she still was going to come back up her and stay with him. And if she wanted him to put money down on an apartment.

*In reality she never left, she was just at Ol' dude's house and wasn't planning on "moving" back with Diesel...her husband. She wasn't planning on moving back because she never left in the first place.

This stuff pisses me off so much because one, Diesel is my brother in-law, two I don't tolerate cheating on spouses, and three she just but us in the stereotype that military men have for their spouse. She just proved to her husband that we can't be faithful while they are gone. It hurts me so bad because I always had her side and I gave people my word and now my credibility is shot!

I'm hurting so bad for Diesel, he really loves this girl.....

So I told him what Rose's and I mutual friend told me and she told him that it's not what he thinks: They're just friends, nothing more<---How many times have we hard that line?

Now she's over here trying to explain herself to him and he can't help himself but to love her anyway....I mean after all she is his wife. He says that he is going to divorce her but I don't know how much that statement is going to stand. Because there is something call "the power of the pu***" and once she has been her this long...she has ample time to formulate her story and if that doesn't work "The power of the pu***" always gets them. Us women master that power very well it has gotten us out of a lot of things. It is amazing how weak men get when we lay it on them. Fellas, when a girl is guilty, this is how you know if she did it or not...when she starts trying to have sex with you.

Most girls start with what men can't resist:ORAL SEX

We will give you head to KINGDOM COME, until you can't fight us off anymore: Seriously, who would stop a girl from giving them head???? Think about it.

Once you oblige we know we have weakened you just enough to get our act together and go for the kill. We will work our way back into that picture that he swore would never be complete with the both of us in it again.

I guarantee that's what Rose did....I've never heard them have sex before until tonight: All of a sudden Miss Thang is a SCREAMER, tonight the dick is even better.

I just hope Diesel sees right through this and send her packing, I told him all he has to do is say the word and I would beat the shhhstuff out of her...(violence isn't always the answer) but I'm grown, I know the consequences and I am willing to suffer for my actions.

Until then

Kisses xoxo

Double the Trouble, Double the Pain

So I haven't updated you guys in awhile....
Guns and I are working on our relationship at this time. He knows he has lot of making up to do and a lot of work getting me to trust him again. He started by sending me my favorite flowers/plant in the whole wide world: ORCHIDS!!!! I love them so dearly. We talk every night and we have come to the agreement of separate counseling and also marriage counseling. I really believe that this will help us better our marriage....but this isn't why I am writing you per say. I will be talking about me and Guns but this blog isn't really about us, it's about his twin brother (we will call him Diesel) and his wife (we will call her Rose).

Now everyone knows that there are different types of identical twins, some twins even have this special way of communicating with each other. Guns and Diesel are mirror image twins, one is a lefty the other is a righty. When one is having a bad day the other is having the best day of his life. Almost like yin and yan.

After Guns and I made up, Rose and Diesel started to fight, only in this story Diesel is the good person.....(Not saying Rose as done anything wrong). They got into an argument which Rose end up leaving<---Because that is the only way she knows how to deal with her problems. Diesel has called and apologize for the fight on so many occasions but it doesn't help. Rose wanted to feel in control of the relationship she didn't want to accept his apologize as yet. She wanted him to suffer some more.

Now Rose is a good person, she just doesn't know the best way to go about handling her argument with her husband, after all she had no real structure in her life and no real friends to talk to about her relationship. Rose and Diesel have both been there when Guns and I were going through our rough times; so compelled to be there for their rough time. After she left, Diesel would vent to me, telling me how he felt and asking him what I thought he should do. I told him that she give her time and watch how he addresses thing with her, but he has been a week since she left.

They would talk and things would seem like it was ok and then it went back down the hill again. So he gave me the phone one day to talk to her and tell her what I felt about the ways are going. Give her a perceptive of the relationship from the outside looking in.

I told her I understand that she wanted him to understand what he said and why she was upset, but while she was busy getting the upper hand in the relationship, she didn't realize that she was pushing him away. I tell you, this man really loves this girl. He has tried his best to do what she wanted and give her the time and space but he can't just sit by and not say anything to her.

He has done everything to get her to come back, he has tried to play by her book but it isn't working. He has been venting with me for the last couple of days and two days ago he said the my advice worked and she wants to come back and live with him and then all of a sudden, he doesn't hear from her all day yesterday. He work last night tossing and turning in his sleep because he kept thinking of her.

We went outside to talk and he said he feel stupid in away for defending her reasons, he doesn't understand why she hasn't called him all day or answered her phone and it was 11:30pm. He had 4 hours left before he needed to wake up and get ready for work. He was describing the feeling he had in his stomach when he tried to sleep, he said that it felt like a roller coaster riding; reaching to the top and being dropped 50 ft.

Now guys, I know you have read the blogs about me and Guns and his twin brother is the complete opposite. I told him the other day that he needs to talk to his brother because maybe his personality would rube off on him. This man is doing everything he can do to save his marriage but he doesn't know how much more he can put up with...and I don't blame him. I mean, Rose needs to grow up, you can't run every time you have problems and expect everything to be fine when you want it to be. She runs from there problems because that's what her mom did with her dad. She doesn't realize that the games she is play can cause her not to have a husband anymore.

She thinks she is doing the right thing by not answering his calls and staying away but the only thing it does it put thoughts in his head and pushes him away. He has come to the point where, if she doesn't come back up with him after Easter, he is going to file for a divorce. He told me as much as he loves her and much as it will be hard for him to do it, he will get a divorce. He doesn't think it is fair to him to have to put up with it and go through what he is going through any longer. He is the one who is trying to talk about it and work on it. He said that he is tired of sleeping without his wife and I don't blame him

It sucks that all of this is happening but this is apart of life.

Until then
Kisses xoxo